it's become really blah... everything and today is just for some reason harder to deal with than any others.

i don't like my job anymore. i don't like that they are trying to "sell" me to do something that j doesn't want to do... just like i had to do recruiting that he didn't want to do. i like that i'm the trooper that took one for the team.. but you know what? i'm tired of taking one for the team. i want to finally be doing something that i LIKE doing.. something that i can shine in if i do a good job.. and i'm tired of working for this thing where you are treated differently and things run differently. blah.

i also just am tired of work being a drag and having to think about politics and all that crap.. i just want to do good work and get paid for it.. not even get paid.. just get recognized for it.

and i miss him.. i am afraid i am being a "girl" in this situation and doing everything that a "girl" would do. i'm attaching everything to the icon of him so that i can miss one thing and pretend that in a year it's all gonna be ok.

i hope we can work this out when you are back. i hope we both feel the same way.. and we are both still in this city. how is your trip going? are you loving it there? are you getting to be in the field like you wanted? i am sure that you are loving being away from the craziness of this place.. and the craziness of your work.

i would LOVE to talk to you about these decisions and what i need to pick.

blah i hate my job.