blah!!!!! and i don't even have time to do this b/c i have REAL work to do. back to real work.

it's become really blah... everything and today is just for some reason harder to deal with than any others.

i don't like my job anymore. i don't like that they are trying to "sell" me to do something that j doesn't want to do... just like i had to do recruiting that he didn't want to do. i like that i'm the trooper that took one for the team.. but you know what? i'm tired of taking one for the team. i want to finally be doing something that i LIKE doing.. something that i can shine in if i do a good job.. and i'm tired of working for this thing where you are treated differently and things run differently. blah.

i also just am tired of work being a drag and having to think about politics and all that crap.. i just want to do good work and get paid for it.. not even get paid.. just get recognized for it.

and i miss him.. i am afraid i am being a "girl" in this situation and doing everything that a "girl" would do. i'm attaching everything to the icon of him so that i can miss one thing and pretend that in a year it's all gonna be ok.

i hope we can work this out when you are back. i hope we both feel the same way.. and we are both still in this city. how is your trip going? are you loving it there? are you getting to be in the field like you wanted? i am sure that you are loving being away from the craziness of this place.. and the craziness of your work.

i would LOVE to talk to you about these decisions and what i need to pick.

blah i hate my job.

i miss you. can i write to you instead of to me? :) today was my comp and performance review and a discussion about what is next for me. it's funny how they put together a whole proposal for me about what kinds of things i would or could be doing. can i really be bought like this?

anyway i wish you were here so i could talk to you about all of this.. get your advice on what i should do next. what do you think? i guess i just wish i could see you. i miss talking to you!!! not even the romantic stuff although sometimes i want that too.. i just miss being able to talk all this out with you.. to meet for drinks to think about what i should do and whether or not this is worth it.

i just can't wait till you come back. maybe you'll be different then.. and i'll be different then.. but i think even if something perfect doesn't work out.. we can still go back to how we have been the last year. and that would be worth it. i hope you are enjoying yourself and making lots of change... maybe i'll get to come and see you? wouldn't that be nice :)

blah. i miss you.

stop it!!! stop picturing him in your head and what it'll be like when he gets back. blah. the funny thing is that more than miss him i worry that he won't like me anymore... am i that insecure? that i can't honestly believe that i'm good for him and the feeling really is mutual?

rups.. it really is mutual. and please.. stop buying clothes. :) you have enough.

i was fine until he called again... talking to him on wednesday was actually really nice.. thursday night was fine.. and although he was busy.. i wouldn't have been able to make much more conversation with him than i already had. thursday night i was too chickenshit to kiss him anyway... plus that's not what i wanted. i don't want this to BE anything but the amazing friendship that it has been. and then friday was good again.

i felt awful just showing up there like that.. he was surprised to see me and yet polite about why i was there.. i got to see his ipod and help finish things up.. but it was so much less awkward when moush was there. they get along so well! i don't want there to be something weird between moush and me.. it's hard to tell if she does, but i feel like she's got feelings for him like i do and isn't so happy with me gushing about him all the time.

friday night was the best goodbye of them all. :) i got to see his parents.. it wasn't long and dramatic.. it was great. i wanted that to be the end. friday night was super fun and then saturday morning was great. how wonderful is my roommate? it was so nice to spend all day on saturday with her.. breakfast.. furniture shopping... cleaning up. that was the perfect day. WHY did he then call? it was great to hear his voice.. to hear about the sweet goodbye he had with his parents.. how they were emotional and he was emotional. how amazing that one guy has just touched so many people's lives..

but the weird apology/clarification wasn't necessary.. nor did i really get it. he said sorry that he was caught off guard and that i was wonderful and dynamic.. and brave. blah.

i hope i get outta this phase quick.. and have the happy and wonderful year that i'd like to have.. and he gets back.. hopefully we are both still single, and things work out.

yay.


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wow do i miss him. how is it possible that we haven't even dated yet.. that even a month ago i didn't expect to see him all the time or talk to him so much.. yet the last two days since he's left, i've had to keep from standing still.

so i sound a lil melodramatic... i like the feeling for the most part. it felt so good to actually see a glimpse of mutual feeling instead of one-sided crush. it's killing me though.. distracting me at work.. making me exhausted all the time. it did make me houseclean though.. which is great.

i miss him. is this how the year will go? i'm guessing in a few weeks my life will be back to its normal self (wasn't it this weekend?). i guess this weekend i was busy enough that i was happy and silly and normal.. but it was all those moments that no one else was around. that i sat on my bed for 2 minutes while doing something and that feeling in the pit of my stomach just took over. blah...

i'm really happy for him. people that amazing really do deserve to do what they love and get opportunities like this one.