change

i'm angry. on the surface its anger at him. but really i'm angry with myself. i have let my life get here. i don't respect myself or my work and then i expect him to respect me? what am i doing here? i live like a slob, spending too freely, sleeping, eating drinking whenever. i've gained a lot of weight. i'm depressed and not working and not doing obligatory things related to expenses and work and everything. what the hell is my problem? even as i type this i desperately want to press delete so that i don't have to see these sentences in print.

i need to change. its not just breaking up with him (although at the end of the day thats not a bad idea) but a real change. why are you so scared to talk to yourself? you will lose the things that you care about if you don't do something soon, rupa. what are you doing? you ignore the work that you don't want to do which makes it later and later. how does that help?

can we just talk about him for a second? i don't like where we are right now. it's fine that he's quiet and different and doesn't fit in with my friends. there is a genuine sweetness to him that makes it all worth it. but is it all worth it? it really pissed me off yesterday that he just was willing to drop me off at the gate. that hes ok with me taking cabs at odd hours. it's not ok with me.

and he doesn't ahve to sleep over every night. actually it's fine if it's not that often but it needs to be up to both of us not just him to decide on a whim.